Segregation had to exsist for this to be funny
[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
“Never has a truer word been spoken”
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
Long-time lurker, here’s a thing
What do you say?
They deserve more than this meme tbh
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
That Indian youtuber
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My grandma posted this on Facebook
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Had to update this meme.
Tis the season
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
Working with this right now..
It’s almost like price gouging should be illegal
Found this on Twitter.
How to stop the robots
Nightmare at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Highly Suspicious Activity
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
You feel like a genius
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Just got it before my physics practicals
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
bUT hOw ARe yoU GoING tO PaY FOr iT?!?!
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
At least label it correctly.
But, he was sent by God…
Smiling like a champ
Kinda funny though, I laughed.
Guys I’m getting an error pls send help
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
6h20 + 6co2 + radiant energy = 6o2 + c6h12o6
It’s the “FINALLY!” That makes this
At least I can play video games all day?
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Dying of coronavirus to own the libs
It never feels right
And that’s and facts
Github level 100
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
2015 Mad Magazine art by Richard Williams
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
Found on Facebook..
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
Hong Kong Programmers have spoken
No deed goes un-Donald’ed
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
Look at these rebels
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
We all know the show is called spongebob squarepants
But Patrick is the star
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.