Selective Perception Puzzle Mystery: What do you see?
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
What kind of organization does an atheist start?
A non-prophet one
A man goes on a business trip
Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter. The old man said "We have vibrating dildo, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…." and he stoped. "Except what?" The man asked. "Nothing, Nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'." The old man reached under the counter, pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbles, and opened it. There lay a very ordinary looking dildo. The buissness man laughed, and commented that it looked like every other dildo in this shop. "But you haven't seen what it'll do," said the proprietor. H pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook, and started split down the middle, at which point the old man commanded, "Voodoo dick, back to your box!" The voodoo dick stoped, floted back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" Said the business man. The old man said it was not for sale, but finally suurendred ut for 700 dollers in cash. Plesed as punch, the business man gave his wife the gift, explaned that all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy" if she got lonely, and set off on his business trip. After a few days, the wife got unbereably horny. Feeling a little foolish, she opened the box and said tentatilvely, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot out of the box, made a beeline for her croch, and started pumping away. It was fabulous, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she lay back and enjoyed the rush of pleasure. After 3 orgasms, she decided she had enough and reached to pull out the dildo. It wouldn't budge. Nothing worked. The voodoo dick was stuck, trusting away. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off. Desprate, she pulled on a skirt, got in the car, and headed for the hospital, nearly fainting with exitement and exhaustion. On the way, another orgasom nearly made her swerve of the road., and to her horror a squad car pulled her over. First the policeman asked for her license. Then, observing her disheveled state, he asked how much she'd had to drink. Twiching and sweting, she gasped, "I haven't been drinking, officer. A voodoo dildo is stuck in my pussy, and it won't stop screwing!" "Sure, lady," said the officer after another long look at her. "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus
and I lost my job as a bus driver.
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee…
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like “0mg”
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Yo momma is so vegan and fat…
..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
No text found
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
Where did the hacker go?
I don’t know he ransomware.