Self Destruction!
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said âthey sure donât make them like they will do soon.â
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweaterâŠ
I didn't even know they could knit!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
âCan I have a drink for me and one for the roadâ
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
Nine months isnât really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
âHow are you mate?â âYeah Iâm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.â I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said âYour dadâs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond âGet away with ya… Prove it.â I shouted downstairs âHey, mate! Both of them?â He shouted back âOf course both of them! Whatâs the point in fucking one?â EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said âi cant believe its not Buddhaâ
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
