Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
It's a piece of cake.
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
He got off with a suspension.
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
I replied, “he ransomware.”
It was so time consuming.
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said “is that dinner?” He said “No, I’m a sinner” And took it up stairs to fuck it.
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
I’m not joking, but he is.
It really is.
Just another good thing ruined by period.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."