Self promotion Bot trying it’s best.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks