Selfie fail
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said āis that dinner?ā He said āNo, Iām a sinnerā And took it up stairs to fuck it.
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roaminā Catholic…
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called āFuck The Fire Departmentā ….
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
What is heck?
Itās where you go if you donāt believe in gosh.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." āIt hasn't affected my brothers though."
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?
Dad: Why isnāt anybody turning the 5th kid around?
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didnāt stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
. The Russian said, āI will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.ā He calls a sailor over and says, āJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.ā The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, āThat, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, āThat's nothing.ā He calls over a PO and says, āI want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, āThat, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, āThat's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, āI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, āYou can fuck right off, sir!ā The admiral turns to the other two and says, āAnd that, gentlemen, is courage."