It's fine, he woke up.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
They will kill your dog
"Just one would have been fine!"
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
So we can think of a solution in silence.
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
Dad: You have good eyesight !
They did unspeakable things to me.
It was mother fucking gold
They are below the C level.
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
The library,it's got the most stories
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
More on this after the break.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
Because with great power comes great response ability.
He drove them nuts.
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
They got stuck at C
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
I can never get a straight answer