Selfie fail
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
I was once attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
