Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
It’s the Hindenburg
It’s the Hindenburg
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.
"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?" "Never tell a lie." "I don't lie. Go away." Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. "Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Listen to the people." "I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones." Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Go see a play."
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…