Senate Hoax
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
Authentic genuine 1964 boomer humor found in a men’s magazine in a secret wall stash
https://ift.tt/2YmQDhV
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
Being an undertaker is a lifeless job.
No text found
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.