Send to any crushes you have for 100% success rate
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
I can’t be the only one
Nobody was there
2 reasons I don’t give money to homeless people:
They would spend it on alcohol. I want to spend it on alcohol.
Only Trump will get on his knees for dictators…
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Recursion is love
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
As if handling date/time was easy now
Also the angles
An accurate breakdown
Jovial Electropherogram [not mine]
Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.
Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma. He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked. The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened. He responds, "I think she choked."
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
There is no cloud
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
How do they find their way home?
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
Next to do: draw a Punnett square of the alignment diagrams
Now corporations want a bailout?
Some things never change
Uber using “AI”
I love fun facts about Drump
When the question doesn’t include the gender of a subject in a pedigree
It’s the only way to find out
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
I seriously learnt nothing in school
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think it’s nuts.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
Enterprise software developers know this phenomenon well
Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh…yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
Making America great!
Milliseconds are no joke
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
first post here
OK… no way!
Gen X vibes
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Real headline news in Trumpistan!
That’s about 10 ventilators
Never tell me the odds
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Mass Extinction has arrived
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
Some Japanese don’t get the Christmas story.
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
Working from home – pair programming with my new colleague
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.