Sent by grandma, translation : The Price of Chinese Masks multiplied by 40; I always wondered when we would have to pay to breathe… Here we are!!
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.
The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.' "Why would I want a frog" says the woman. The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!" The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home. That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs….nothing happens. The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem. When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing. The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it. "Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once." "Why?" her son replied. "Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!" The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.