Sent to me from my girlfriend’s stepdad
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, βC4 yourselfβ
What do call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff!
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
POV: youβre playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
POV: youβre playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
https://ift.tt/3e2R080
A burglar stole all of my lamps.
I should be upset, but actually Iβm delighted!
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
Iβm now the CIEIO.
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.
Like no bell prize.
I never say curse words
I swear
Are my testicles black
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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I was on a date with a woman who said “I am a big country fan.”
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
My friends keep telling me Iβm on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if theyβre joking or not.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.