Serious multiple choice exam had one question out of 50 with a joke answer choice “Jedi analysis”
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park
Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?" He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison." Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away. A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette. Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette." He replies: "No, I quit smoking."
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
How long does it take to eat another banana?
A bananosecond
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?