Seriously 🤔
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
A wife yells at her husband
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."