Seriously, someone please help me I don’t know the answer and I can’t remember my name all I remember is flashing headlights
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Robber ties up guy and a girl
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC