Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist…
"I've gotta know, does Viagra really work?" The pharmacist replied, "it sure does. In fact, I use it myself." "Good to know. Can you get it over the counter?" "Well, yes, if I take two of them."
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk
I asked if she wanted it pasteurized. She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
What does a robot do after sex?
It nuts and bolts
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
