Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello!
Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?
Man: Yes.
Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?
Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.
Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.
Man: How much?
Woman: $90,000
Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.
Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.
Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!
Man: Bye, I love you too.
The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: Elephino
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig, he digs, she digs,
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Corona is taking “viral marketing” too literally
The new campaign is a killer
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
