“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?"
…
"Dad, are you crying?"
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
If âwomb is pronounced âwoomâ, âtombâ is pronounced âtoomâ, then then shouldnât âbombâ be pronounced
âBOOMâ I hope that blew your minds
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "whatâs that?" she said "lay down an Iâll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "Iâm off, Iâm fucked if Iâm hanging around for another 67 of them"
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Donât hurt me.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
Itâs apparent
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
All Jews had their foreskins
[removed]
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You canât even say âblack paint.â Instead you gotta say,â Jamal, will you please paint the fence?â
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
One of my great grandfatherâs favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks whatâs in the bag. Guy says âSmart Pills,â his friend says âGimme one of them Smart Pills,â then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says âThese smart pills taste like shit,â guy says âYouâre getting smarter already.â
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
Thatâs ridiculous. My dogs donât even own bikes
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I canât afford that PIZZA GUY: Well youâll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.