Sexy ass interest rates
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
Here’s a joke about China
[redacted]
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
