They only do their jobs after they are fired
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
I'm not coming in this morning.
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
They’ve left no tern unstoned
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
But no-one will do it.
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
A piece of cake.
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Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
But i just can't see it.
Like cops, DEA agents…
Because fish swim in schools.
They were great yolks
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
Add spring water.
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
They always bring their eh game
Haven't heard from him since.
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer