Shame man
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
just stole a tesla
now it’s called edison
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
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A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
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Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin”.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.