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What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
What do you call a state when it gets married?
Missus-sippi. (buh-dum, tss)
Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while Iโm 10 years old listening from the porch.
This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and heโs mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man whatโs got him down. The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano. Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that thereโs a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free. The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place. Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: โ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks…โ First man says โ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?โ
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.
He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in. "Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!" The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies."
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself โdonโt get a boner.โ
Then she did and my day was ruined.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc
That was a trip down memory lane
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
My daughter yelled at me, โDAAAAAAAD! You havenโt been listening to a word Iโve said, have you?โ
What a strange way to start a conversation
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
Wife: โCan you give the kids a talk on drugs?โ
Husband: โOk… but I talk a lot of shit when Iโm highโ
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyโd be bagels.
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.