Shared by single boomer aunt
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
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When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?
Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
Dog for sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
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