Shared on facebook by my grandma
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I’d love to have one
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.