Shared on Facebook by my resident boomer
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
No text found
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
