Shared on Facebook by my resident boomer
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
Here’s how to fall down stairs:
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink. After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst… that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
You know your uncle went to WWII with a toy gun
He had nerfs of steel
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.