Shared on Facebook unironically by my uncle
you're part of the precipitate.
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
Sails are going through the roof!
You're still using fowl language.
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
You use a sea saw!
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me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
He said I have to start paying in advance
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
No canaries there either.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
He wanted to keep things brief.
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
I said, “is that a fret?”
It was my new year's resolution.
Is time travel possible?
Kids these days have such great manners
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
but later decided to let it go.
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
He meant well.