Shared unironically on Facebook
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
Rise Up genZ, Millennials and genX!¡! Boomers+ are trying to drown us out!¡!
Rise Up genZ, Millennials and genX!¡! Boomers+ are trying to drown us out!¡!
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.