She didn’t knee
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-400x433.png)
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
![Damn [credit to u/cosmobhoi]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/6mq9d2wac1251-400x410.png)
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
A married couple are lying in bed one night…
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says, "No, not at all". His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
