She doesn’t know…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
The results speak for themselves.
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
But none of them work out
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Next to a Windu.
He sits down and orders 3 beers. “You know, you don’t have to order these all at once – I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender. “Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. “Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?” “Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
a girl goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is" The doctor says: "Do you smoke?" "Yes, why do you ask?" "Quit smoking and returns next week" The following week the girl returns: "The point has become bigger!" The doctor, who does not know what to do, says: "Do you drink alcohol?" "Yes, sometimes" "Then stop drinking and come back next week" A week goes by and the girl returns: "doctor, is still there" The doctor is perplexed: "Are you married?' "Yes, why?" "Come back tomorrow with your husband to see if he knows anything" The next day he returns with the husband, who goes in a work suit and the doctor asks him: "What do you work for?" "I'm a carpenter" "Fuck, then take the pencil out your ear when you eat your wife's pussy"
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble. The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?" The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it. Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye." The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet. The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye. Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up. "Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got… $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it." The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet. The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top. The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end. Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar. Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass. Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made. All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs. The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is." To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
me and my recliner go way back.
Both crews have been marooned.
Then it grew on me.
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
I don’t even touch it
A lot of conditioning
It was tense.
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
Survival of the fetus