She has a plan for everything…
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards itโs even more stupid
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: โJesus knows youโre here.โ
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: โJesus is watching you.โ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. โDid you say that?โ he hissed at the parrot. โYep,โ the parrot confessed, then squawked. โIโm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.โ The burglar relaxed. โWarn me, huh? Who in the world are you?โ โMoses,โ replied the bird. โMoses?โ the burglar laughed. โWhat kind of people would name a bird Moses?โ โThe kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.โ
Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
https://ift.tt/2Uwx8mV
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Iโll be right back." "Thatโs better, but itโs still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says โI hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.โ Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, โI hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and Iโve never kissed anyone.โ The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, โSorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and Iโve never felt a breast.โ Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says โyouโve been so kind already but please, I donโt want to die never having gotten a blow job.โ Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says โthank you so much for saving us from certain death.โ The boy shouts โjust a little longer next time dad!โ
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, whatโs going to happen to me? Oracle: youโre going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs donโt like girls.
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, โWeโre looking for someone who is responsible.โ
โWell, Iโm your man.โ I replied, โIn my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.โ
I donโt tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs