She is an actor in the Netflix series Stranger Things
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
It causes the microphones to rust
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
He had a vowel movement.
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
Now it's a Ford Focus
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher. "You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies. Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian." "No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham – The Damn Ham." "Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!" Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives. "Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?" "The Damn Ham," she tells him. "What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house." "No, dear, that's the name of this ham – The Damn Ham," she explains. "Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!" After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?" One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the fucking peas!"
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
She called me a cheap skate.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
..they both belong in a pen….
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
Put a little boogie in it
Because seven was a well known six offender
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
An udder disaster.
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
Because they were not E
Times new ramen!