She just couldn’t get it
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk…
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
An Irishman walks past a bar.
Just kidding.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…