She Murdered Him 😂😂😂😂
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
water memes related to science.
Next Level . Being safe at work
My code vs. the computer
Textbooks with out context!
This picture bugs me in so many ways
Scalable Vector Graphics (SVG)
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Pretty much everyone here
Lets go to work!
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
My mom posted this on Instagram
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
A story with a happy ending
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
Trumps spiritual advisor
This is a fantastic idea. Why hasn’t it been done already?
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My name is: DROP TABLE users;
Blast from the Past
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
What they say
Keep it up!
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
This caught my eye this morning thought it was pretty ironic
Figured I would update a classic, with a little elbow grease and photoshop.
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
Better Late Than Never
I hope nobody has done this before
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
I don’t know if he’s serious
When you realize failure is inevitable
Boomer But True
When you look into Linus Torvalds’ github commit history
Wholesome boomer meme
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
A driving teacher asks his student “There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?”
Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"
Found on FB
RandomPorno.com founder dies of heartattack while masturbating to porn
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
Someone didn’t learn the Golden Rule…
Are they nuts?
Problem solved guys
S A L T
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
Who’s that Pokemon…
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.