She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
New job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.” Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."