She took “lets get this bread” a little too literally
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
āShit I canāt go home like this my wife will kill meā The bartender sees this and says āput a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaningā. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies āa drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaningā. To which his wife says āOk well then why do you have $40 in your hand?ā āBecause he also shit in my pants.ā
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar inā¦
Itās currently half emptyā¦
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didnāt.
He was in De Nile
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow
They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces. The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining." Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past. The husband says to his wife, "Look, dear, there's Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We''l ask him!" With that, the husband shouts, "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?" Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, "Raining," the continues on. The wife looks at her husband and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
I hate it when kids write āangleā instead of āangelā.
Theyāre just trying to be edgy.
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
If my son turned out to be transgender, he aināt no son of mine
Sheād be my daughterš„°
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you havenāt botany?
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.