SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
He is now called winnie the flu
Every calculator counts.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Runs for 2 days.
“Are you having a crisis?”
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
He wants to make America grate again.
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
I don’t know what to make of it.
Look for the Fresh Prints
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
You don’t want to press your luck.
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven. "…. about 12 feet." 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
But I'm 22 to say it
Arse skin for a friend.
I will find you, you have my word
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Dinner is on me
You're still using fowl language.
I'm going to put my glasses on..