SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier ๐ The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
โCan I have a drink for me and one for the roadโ
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, โDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?โ
The bear replies, โNo thanks, Iโm stuffed.โ
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
Itโs gone spiral
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Iโm going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says โIโm sorry folks, but weโve just lost both engines. Weโre going to crash and die.โ The teacher exclaims โOh my God, the poor children!โ The lawyer replies โFuck the children!โ The priest asks โDo we have time?โ
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.