Sheer panic
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
Today I got gas for $1.49!
..At Taco Bell.
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
My wife phoned me while away.
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Robber ties up guy and a girl
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”