Sherlock Bonespurs cracks another case
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
A random voice asked: “Have you recently had an accident that wasn’t your fault?”
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: “I’m gonna deliver the Baby”
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
