Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…