Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc
That was a trip down memory lane
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
A Polish man moves to America and marries an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "NO, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says, 'Polish Remover.'"
I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
The lockdown is getting to me…
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.