SHE’S IS TORN TO SHREDS!!!!
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: “Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.” The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: “Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.” When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!” The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."