She’s not the only one being roasted
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.