A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
Me: dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”