Shite
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
I don’t always roll joints…
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
The more you fuck around, the more you’re gonna find out
The more you fuck around, the more you’re gonna find out
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.