Shitting his shell
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
![[Image] Start slappin nuts](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/gcq5ipdaba441-400x712.jpg)
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
A weekly newsletter of unhinged email chains sourced from thousands of real boomers
https://boomer.email
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
