Shitty template strikes again
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.
She's my cross aunt.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t see in the dark…
Power outages delight me.
No text found
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.