Shoplifters
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
I was a big metal fan back in high school.
Back in high school I was a big metal fan. At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party. It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden … and probably quite a few more. As the night went on people are getting drunker and drunker and a few even disappear upstairs to hook up. I was standing in the corner by myself not really interacting with anyone else. I had spent the whole winter sitting in a damp basement in front of a computer and was probably a bit rusty. The party's heating up and this blonde girl notices me standing there and walks over to me. She had already taken her jacket off and was just wearing a tank top. This girl looked super hot. She smiles and runs her hand over me. My pole was seriously hard. Then she kneels down in front of me and as you can imagine I was already turned on at this point. She's pushing all my buttons and my head is spinning. It's not long before I blow all over her face and chest. Her boyfriend is right in the next room, she hadn't closed the door and he just saw the whole thing. He walks up to us, looking really hot under the collar. He gets right up in my face and she backs away, but she accidentally trips over my extension chord because I was a … big … metal … fan.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.