Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
One wish
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.