Should I make a punnit square?
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. ..
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
A crow was arrested an put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
If you get in a fight at the circus…
You should go for the juggler.
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
