Should POTUS know geography? “Bomb Ireland! Wait.. Iran! Dammit!”
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
So if guns donāt kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters donāt toast toast toast toast toast?
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
Whenever Iām at the therapistās waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but Iām a fan.
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Self isolation is getting so bad Iām starting to crush on my roommate.
And weāve been married more than 27 years!
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, āHave you read Marx?ā
The other one replies, āYes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.ā
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
I’m the content creator for the IG of the @. Please don’t hold that against me.
https://ift.tt/2DPJYmQ
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying āyeah this isnāt really for me, Iām not having 67 more of those in my faceā
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
Gay jokes arenāt funny
Cum on guys
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
There are two types of people in this world.
Those that finish their sentences and those
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
My wife is turning 32 soon…
Iāve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. āAfter all,ā I said, āThe celebrations are only going to last half a minute.ā āWhat are you talking about?ā she asked. I said, āItās your thirty-second birthday.ā
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes