Shout out to anyone who doesn’t know what the opposite of in is

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

I can really taste the change.

Because people are losing their shit.

I guess we are raised differently…

“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!" "Open that cup of semen." The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, "Do it!" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. "Now drink it." "But…" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. "Open another." She opens a second container. "Now drink that one." And she does. "And open another one." Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"

Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

Because they’re ice-o-lated.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

Then it hit me.

How dairy!

“You’re much bigger than that.”

Their words, not mine

I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…

He said, "Height, width, and length."

Light blue.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange: "Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?" "What? What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!" I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.

The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Damn things bounce all over the place

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub ……………………………. The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.

His jokes are ruff

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.

Me: "And?"

It was a waist of time.

Sandy Eggo

That's where I draw the line.

So we can think of a solution in silence.

The Bartender

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.